Buy MUSEUM-WORTHY Napkins and Tablecloths on the Internet...

“This is like putting a Rolls Royce grill on a golf cart.”

I texted the Boatkin to all my friends. Susie wrote back, “This is like putting a Rolls Royce grill on a golf cart.” Sam said, “I like how everything turns into a Recession Indicator when you finally Open your Eyes.” I texted Patrik asking him to list some choice recession indicators and he wrote back, “One is that right now I have pink eye in BOTH EYES.” No one was excited, but me, which is typical for interactions with my best friends.

Substacker Sogole Kane posted a picture of “The Boatkin” ($1,580.00) and my mind whirred with pleasure. There are four boatkins for sale. Gray, red, green, pink. You can ship in your own worn L.L. Bean bag—ink stains and all—and commission a Boatkin. For reference, a brand new large Boat and Tote Open-Top is $39.95. That’s quite the mark up for some minimal rearrangement of straps and brass. I do not allow myself to buy stuff like this—silly and monstrously priced—but if someone gifted it to me I would scream! A fully-functional joke.

The designer of the Boatkin, a small online business called “Hathaway Hutton,” is also making D. Porthault crossbody bags. That’s right, a beach bag made from the most coveted bedding and towelling in the world. (The owner of Hathaway Hutton is Jen Risk, modest homemaker and interior decorator. Not to be confused with an interior designer.) Vintage D. Porthault does not come cheap. 12 napkins for over $2,000. I have alerts set on French eBay but it never pulls up any “deals.”

It got me thinking about preppy presents for hostesses. An online store called The Most Delightful, founded in 2011, sells “museum-worthy vintage linens.” I don’t doubt there is such a thing. And I really enjoy their products. The right amount of “jazzy.”

Arresting, too impractical to purchase, too special to give away. I would call this a placemat, not a napkin, but to each his own. Set of 6 for $345.

The key to a speciality napkin is embroidery.

Vintage “guest towels” that scream … Sadie Stein? To me!

Where I’m from a pheasant hunting tablecloth would be a huge hit.

Charming. The right amount of fusty.

Boys night, as run by a girl.

When Google broke—a phenomenon I’m sure happened since the invention of AI—small online retailers began to disappear from the first page of the search engine. And the second and third. Gone are the days when you could google “real Madeira linen” and get a satisfactory result. (A few weeks ago I was trying to source “real Madras,” what a nightmare.)

I hate feeling forced to find ideas on Instagram, so I’ve been working on being more specific with my search engine. I like to Google by state. The tourism boards collate local businesses in pretty useable websites. “MAINE + ARTISANS,” for example, will lead you to really fun sword makers for cosplay purposes, among other useful objet. I found these woven seagrass baskets by googling “Newport + artisan.” The New York Guild of Handweavers can assist you in renting a loom. Etc.

• Doing PR for a state is one of my great dreams. Imagine repping New York City!

I got an email from the tourism board of Michigan a few weeks ago — and it was a delight to receive. I’ve always wanted to take a vacation to the lakes of Michigan. One must be bullish on American tourism! While we’re here, pre-order Natasha Stagg’s long-awaited second novel Grand Rapids [,Michigan].

• Apropos of “museum-worthy linens,” I feel like all museum retrospectives should include the artists’ clothes. I remember a friend of mine saying Donald Judd’s kids were so intent on making money off their dad’s estate, they saved every sock—holes and all!

• I texted my colleague Janique Vigier, who is seeing a man who keeps champagne in the glove box of his car, to ask him what a hostess gift entails. He said “cheese.” And I quote:

• E-mail this woman in Palm Beach and ask for preppy hostessing gift ideas. My obsession with the retailers of Palm Beach is reaching a fever pitch.

Links: Famous Men on the Silver Screen

• Owen Wilson is a thoughtful guy. You can read a rare interview with him discussing books here. The Happy Reader ended its print run in 2023. Another pandemic casualty?

• How many Hollywood movies are ruined by bad accents? I was looking for a Peter Bogdanovich movie to watch—because I realized he directed Noises Off, my top film rec from last week—and was floored to see the trailer for She’s Funny That Way, which feels like a bad Woody Allen movie. Not the worst insult I can think of. The plot: “The cast and crew of a Broadway play are thrown into a romantic roundelay when a lecherous director (Owen Wilson) hires a hooker-turned-actress (Imogen Poots) to star alongside his wife (Kathryn Hahn) and his wife's ex-lover (Rhys Ifans).” Imogen’s accent is horrendous. (The only fake accent I can abide is…Renée Zellweger’s in Cold Mountain.) While I’m on the topic of bad Bogdanovich films, Wow, did he have a lot of flops. Have you ever heard of Cat’s Meow? It is so hard to make a movie about the 1920s. Even for Kirsten Dunst!

  

  Everything Bogdanovich says is gold.

• I can’t find a free version of Nora Ephron’s interview with Mike Nichols, but you can read about their special relationship here.

I watched the new season of The Rehearsal, and I’m blown away by the genius of it. First off, I’m going to admit something lame, which is that my fear of flying is getting worse. I’m trying to fight it, but the news has gotten to me—we’re seeing so many crashes in the US right now! I have read the reports that the numbers aren’t actually higher, but I don’t believe them, because I also read every Reddit post on Boeing whistleblower.

Magazine writers hate substack? OK…

Well, I drink four.